


Facial Expressions

by blackhighheels



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-27 13:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20760920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackhighheels/pseuds/blackhighheels
Summary: He should have learned by now to control his facial expressions. He was an actor after all, well kind of. Being a drag queen meant playing a role for a living, even if there was no script and the lines between him and his creation were blurry at the best of times.Yet, whenever they asked about him, even if he saw the question coming by now - mainly because it always came - there was always that split second when his face fell, his lips pressed together and he looked down.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first try to write for this fandom.  
And let me say that I feel very uncomfortable posting a story about two real life people. Thing is just that I couldn't help myself after watching a certain interview.

He should have learned by now to control his facial expressions. He was an actor after all, well kind of. Being a drag queen meant playing a role for a living, even if there was no script and the lines between him and his creation were blurry at the best of times.

He knew how to seem excited even if he wasn't. He knew how to smile for the fans, even when he was so tired he was basically asleep already. He knew how to play dumb, though he really wasn't.A slightly dumb drag queen who butchered words and pretended to not understand was more entertaining and likeable than one who portrayed a keen business sense and a strategic mind. He knew that the 'show must go on' under all circumstances and so far he's managed to deliver each and every time. He's broken the internet more than once and it felt fucking good.

Yet, whenever they asked about _him_, even if he saw the question coming by now - mainly because it always came - there was always that split second when his face fell, his lips pressed together and he looked down. Watching the interviews back, he saw it himself, his mother had called him out on it and his friend Silky only rolled her eyes at him whenever he did it. "Damn girl, again?!"

It was even worse though when he tried to play it cool. Then he sounded flippant, rude, accusatory and sometimes even bitter. He tried to be funny, but the hurt, disappointment and heartache was still too close to the surface and he didn't quite know how to hide it.

It was just… how could he not miss him? They had found each other during a very stressful and crazy time and their time together after the show was done filming had been everything he had ever wanted. They traveled together, met each others friends, pets and families. He made sure that he spent every free second he had with his man, had even cancelled a gig or two just so he could stay a bit longer, before work would separate them again for a couple of days or even a week or two. They had to be careful not to draw the attention of fans and had managed it without hiding from the world. 

In hindsight, the worst was that he felt blindsided, he still did. They had agreed to see where this was going and for more than four months everything was going great. He thought they were going somewhere, together. Thought they had an agreement that they were in a relationship and would try and make it work. Until it all came crashing down.

***

_"Oh, hey, you're already here. I didn't think you'd get here until tomorrow night," his boyfriend greeted him when he walked into his apartment, apparently surprised to find him there. He placed his keys on the table beside the door and took his jacket off._

_"Caught an earlier flight to get back to my man," he grinned proudly, but something kept him from getting off the sofa and jump him, like he had imagined on the flight back. He wanted to yell surprise or scare the shit out of him, but seeing the look on his man's face he was glad that he hadn't._

_"Hey papi," he was finally greeted and got a quick, close mouthed peck, which was weird. The feeling in his gut that something was off intensified. "Let me just, uhm, brush my teeth and take a quick shower."_

_He wrinkled his forehead, kept his mouth shut and watched his love hurry out of the room, his excitement about the surprise vanishing. His detective instincts kicked in and he walked towards the door, where the jacket was hanging. For a second he thought about unlocking his man's cellphone and checking it, but that was just wrong. One should trust your partner in a relationship.Still, he caught a whiff of cigarette smoke, alcohol and some weird cologne on the jacket and his stomach knotted even more. A strong sense of foreboding overcame him, but his heart refused to even think about processing what his head already knew._

_"Where were you at?" he asked when his gorgeous boyfriend finally came out of the bathroom, the dark sweats hanging low on his hips and his wet hair standing up in all directions as he rubbed it with a white towel._

_"I had a gig and then stayed with the girls for a while," he shrugged and sat down on the sofa, his posture stiff._

_"It's four in the morning, bitch. You're usually done by midnight."_

_"Ok, this is a bit weird, but I guess honesty is what this situation needs," he slumped against the backrest for a moment and closed his eyes, then sat back up straight. "I got a bit drunk and felt lonely and horny and so I picked up some trade and went home with him. Nothing much happened except for some making-out and I gave him a hand job after he sucked me off. That's it." A shrug followed his words, like it was nothing._

_The nonchalance hit him harder than the actual deed. "You fucking cheated on me? I was gone for five days, you motherfucking asshole!" he screamed, the pain so strong he felt like he was being ripped apart. _

_"Cheating? I wasn't cheating," the idiot had the nerve to reply._

_"You had some ho suck you off. What do you call that?"_

_"You weren't there! I didn't think it would be a problem."_

_His legs felt like they would give out any second and so he sunk down on the sofa, as far away as possible from the asshole who was ripping his heart to pieces. He was rarely at a loss for words, but right then, he didn't know what to say. His vision was blurry and there was only white noise ringing in his ears, while he tried to say something, anything. His mouth opened and closed serval times, not that he was aware of it._

_"You know I love you," the bastard went on, moved over next to him and tried to take his hand. It was what snapped him out of his stupor._

_"Don't you dare touch me," he hissed and jumped off the couch. _

_"Jose, please, do we really have to make a big deal out of it? We're drag queens, for god's sake. We get drunk, we pick up trade every now and then when one of us is travelling. It doesn't mean anything. It's fun, a way to get off. And we never said we're exclusive or anything."_

_It was just another punch in the gut. He felt sick. "I love you. You're my man. Mine!" he turned around and tried to wipe the tears off his cheeks as he finally felt the anger build. It didn't hurt as much as the sadness from seconds before. "We said we try'n make it work. I been flying back and forth between here and wherever and you are whoring that ass around? But it doesn't fucking mean anything? We not fucking exclusive? I only do exclusive and you know that, you dumb motherfucking ho! Don't pretend you don't know that!" he was full on yelling now._

_"And I love you, too. But you're gone all the time and I am here and I need my freedom."_

_"Fucking other hos while I'm gone is freedom?" they were both full on screaming now._

_"Between you needing to know where I am at all times of the day, monopolising all my time with calls and stopping by whenever the fuck you want, yes, I need some freedom. I am my own person and not one of your Vanjie fangirls. And if I want to kiss or fuck someone else, then I will do that, whether you like it or not."_

_For a second he had the impulse to hurl the fruit bowl at his head or go full ninja on his ass. He might not win the fight against this large blonde, but his smaller Puerto Rican ass would still be able to cause some damage. He had his fair share of fights in his life. Just when he wanted to attack though, something in the blue eyes of the man he loved stopped him. It was just a split second, but in a way he knew that a fight was exactly what the asshole wanted in that moment. The last months had been happy, but not without fights, even if they had never turned physical. They usually ended in hot angry, or make up sex. The bastard was speculating on going down this route. This was no 'let's fight about it for a bit and then have sex' topic. And hitting him wouldn't get him any satisfaction. If he was honest, he was too disgusted with him to even want to touch him. _

_"I want loyalty and sunsets and romance and my ride and die boo by my side, no matter what stupid shit we do together. I want to be called five thousand times a day when I'm gone because someone misses me. I want cheesy texts and impatient sex when we see each other again," he said more calmly than he himself thought possible._

_"That's not me. I don't want all this over the top romance movie crap, because that kind of love doesn't exist in real life. It's a fabrication and it never works."_

_"Then I can't do this," he motioned between the two of them._

_"What?" his white face got even paler. "Boo, please! That's crazy. We're happy. Just because of a bit of fun on the side…"_

_"You know me. You knew from the very beginning what kind of guy I am. First you post your ho ass all over instagram and don't get my problem with it. Then you flirt with every trade you lay eyes on when I turn my back for just a second and now you're cheating and try telling me it ain't cheating and say some crap about how I steal your freedom or some shit. If you want me gone, all you have to do is say so and not pull me along, pretending you love me."_

_"String you along."_

_"What?"_

_"It's 'string you along' not 'pull you along'." _Really, that's what his drunk head focussed on?

_"Bitch, ya really thinking this is the time to play fucking teacher?" he got louder again._

_"No, no, you're right," he sighed. "How do we fix this?"_

_"I want something, you want something else." He summed up he situation." It is what it is."_

_"So what? You're gonna end what we have going because of some stupid trade?" There was a panicked undertone in his voice, his eyes wide._

_"No, bro. I want the full notebook romance and you want your freedom. That don't go together. So, I'm giving you your freedom and try to find my romance somewhere else," he shrugged his shoulders helplessly, nearly choking on his tears as he spoke the words. He had his pride and he would not let that asshole take it from him by making him one of many._

_"Jose…" he trailed off and there were tears in his eyes as well._

_"I'm calling an uber and stay at the hotel." He dug his cellphone out of his jacket pocket._

_"No, you can stay here. Please, stay here!" he was begging now, tears running down his cheeks. "I don't wanna lose you. Please, you can stay, even as just a friend, if that's what you want. I can only be your friend," her rambled._

_"I can't be yours. Not now." He grabbed his unpacked suitcase and left, knowing that if he waited inside for his ride, he would let himself be talked into staying. When his car arrived the door behind him opened and the idiot who had broken his heart wrapped him in a tight hug. He let it happen, numb at this point._

_"I'm so sorry. Just know that I really have a lot of love for you and I never meant to hurt you. Please, call me when you can," he whispered in his ear and kissed his cheek, before he finally let him climb into his ride, so he could fall apart in some hotel room._

_Brock called him the next morning and a second he thought that it had all been a bad dream and it would all turn out to be a misunderstanding when they talked about it. Their talk at the hotel was long, painful and surprisingly calm, yet unsurprisingly tearful. The love was there on both sides, but the expectations and wishes when it came to a relationship simply not compatible. For a while they tried to negotiate some middle ground. However, it wasn't possible to mix Jose's idea of 'Truly Madly Deeply' with Ginuwine's 'Pony' playing as a theme for Brooke's nights out, and so they ended up with Whitney's 'I will always love you' as a soundtrack for their love story, before Rihanna's 'Unfaithful' would become Vanjie's go to track off stage._

***

Jose needed a couple of weeks to pull himself back together, both Halloween and Christmas a good reason to hide at his mother's house and enjoy having family and friends around him who didn't care about Vanjie, but cared only about Jose.

Yet, he knew that they needed to talk before the season aired and everybody would be up in their business. Production had made it clear that they expected them neither confirm or deny anything at least until the re-union was shot and aired.

Strangely enough, he had been the mature one and had called the network to let them know that they were no longer together. He had also tried to find out what they were allowed to say once the episodes aired. In a way he expected Brock to take care of it, him being Miss Perfect and all, but the network let him know that it was news to them that they had split up and that they hadn't heard from the finalist in a couple of weeks, which was worrying because the episodes would air soon and then tour would follow promptly.

He gave himself another two weeks to steel himself for the talk they needed to have and then arranged the 'business meeting'. He even took his manager along, less because he needed him as his manager and more because he needed a voice of reason and a friend there, who helped him keep his cool and negotiate an agreement they could both live with for the next couple of months.

***

_"Hey, how are you?" Brock asked softly and hugged him tightly, even though he tried to sidestep it._

_"Good, you?" he replied, already knowing the answer when he looked up at his face. He looked tired, exhausted even and the strong smell of cigarettes coming from him was an indicator that he smoked more than before. He had even managed to quit for a couple of days when they were together, but that was no more._

_"Good. Busy," came the quick but untruthful reply. "How was your Christmas? Did your mom like the earrings we got her in Chicago?"_

_The reference to their time together in Chicago and the shared gift made him flinch. It was too early for that. He bit his lip and put more space between them by rounding the table in the small conference room they were in. This was not a talk for a public place, but neither could they do this in their apartments, so one of the smaller rooms at the management office had to do. "Yeah, she did. We should start," he said when he had his voice back under control and sat down. He looked at his manager and he thankfully started rattling off what they had come up with, while he himself concentrated on not biting his nails or fidgeting to much._

_"Yeah, sure. I agree. The gag contract definitely works in our favour. What about the tour? You're gonna be there?" Brock addressed him directly after maybe half an hour._

_"Going on tour, meeting the fans that's my jush," he shrugged and looked up from his study of his nails._

_"Could you give us a minute?" Brock turned towards their manager. He looked a bit unsure in Vanjie's direction, but got up when he nodded. Jose waited while his gorgeous ex-boyfriend was now fidgeting in his chair, the calm and icy Brooke Lynn a far cry from the nervous man in front of him. "Uh, I just, I just wanted to say again how sorry I am for how all of that turned out. I really never meant to hurt you and I never wanted to lead you on. I mean, I didn't. I thought I could be what you wanted me to be, but…" he broke off._

_"Obviously not." There was no malice in the words, only resignation._

_"I know I can't change it or make any of it better, but I hope that with time we can be friends again. We'll spend a lot of time together on tour and also I… I miss you," his tone was pleading, before he took a deep breath. "I know it's going to be hard when the episodes air and the fans will most likely go crazy, depending on how everything gets edited. But the fact alone that they had us lip-sync against each other will cause a stir. We have a strategy now, we will deal with social media as agreed, we will be friendly, flirty and goofy Vanjie and Brooke Lynn for the fans, play it up for both of our careers, do damage control when needed… just… I need you to know that if you need me, because you need to be you and not Vanjie for a moment and need a break or something… I'm there. Just talk to me. You can always talk to me."_

_Jose looked at him for a long moment and could tell that he was being sincere. "Yeah, same," he agreed quietly and even managed a small, sad smile. _

_Brock got up and walked around the table. "Come here," he asked and held his arms open. And of course he stepped into them, surprised by the comfort the hug was bringing him this time, considering the person giving it was the one responsible for all his pain. He could feel Brock relaxing, the stiff posture melting away as they held each other, but then again Brock was always thriving on physical touch. Maybe that's why he needed hooking up with trade all the time… the thought made Jose step away, anger flaring up again. He needed to get away before his mouth would ruin their agreement._

_***_

He had kept his cool that day and he managed to stick to the agreement.

Vanjie kept his mouth shut during the viewing parties, only slipping once when Soju's drunk ass wasn't able to keep his mouth shut and kept needling him about the status of their relationship. Even if they were still together, he wouldn't be able to say anything because of the contracts.

When reporters and fans asked questions, he played coy or cracked jokes. On social media they started liking each other's posts again, fired off flirty comments and slipped into each other's live stories with stupid comments. The fans ate it up, the press loved it and their management as much as the network applauded them for the ruse. Sometimes it was hard not to get carried away and believe it and not be hopeful.

Just, when he saw them on screen kissing and flirting, Brock's arms around him in the work room or the encouraging talks and soft kisses, he remembered the rest. What was just theirs and what hadn't been caught on film and was broadcasted all over the world: The long talks about their hopes and fears, the time spent together doing nothing but lying on he couch, watching a movie. Workouts full of teasing and laughter at the gym, cooking together at odd hours of the night and lazy mornings spend in bed, when they had nothing else to do and time for once.

Then the reunion came, which meant the first time they would see each other again after literally months apart. Jose knew that Ru would ask questions and he thought he had Vanjie's answers figured out. But Brooke Lynn sat across from him, looking directly at him and he had always been a bad actor. In that moment it didn't matter that they had been broken up for nearly seven months. It was the first time since the meeting that they saw each other face to face and Jose was surprised by how much it still hurt, even though they were all friendly to each other backstage and while getting ready. As soon as the question came though the professional indifference left the building and the feelings came back.

First they discussed his endless supply of bathing suits and everything was fine. Even discussing his teeth (damn, that had hurt more than he had thought) and the fillers (also not that pleasant, thank you very much) was a fun topic to discuss compared to the elephant in the room. He noticed that Brooke Lynn was not laughing as much as usual about his Vanjie antics, but it was still easy to keep up the act. 

When the "Branjie" movie was showing he managed at first keep Vanjie going, but towards the end of the film he felt his resolve crumble and his eyes looked down, smile frozen on his face. He was powerless to stop the expression that would show on his face for months to come and it was happening on national tv, the camera right in his face, catching it all. 

_"Uh, Vanjie kind of started things off," he heard her say in the perfect 'Brooke Lynn' voice, act firmly in place. Brock was really so much better at acting than him. He made a face. "You did," Brooke insisted and looked in his direction._

_"Allegedly," he replied and looked up, Jose shining through in the interview, while he tried to bring Vanjie back, needed her desperately firmly in place to get through this._

_"Allegedly. He started flirting with me and I thought he as very cute too, but I was at a competition, I wasn't looking for romance. But then he started flirting with me and I was like, ok, well…" Brooke recounted the tale. He remembered it a bit differently._

_"We were on our way into our rooms and Silky said to Brooke Lynn down the hall 'Brooke Lynn! Vanjie got a crush on you' and Brooke Lynn grabbed his Canadian…" he started to think how to twist it so he could get his equilibrium back. He needed Vanjie to save him. "… bacon and I said 'Hola, como esta?'" he managed to make everyone laugh, even Brooke smiled. "I'm from Puerto Rico… So, that's what had happened and the rest, you know, happened in the work room," he finished and hoped that this would be the end of the questioning, although he knew it most likely wouldn't be._

_"It was nice, because we couldn’t really do anything because we were on set, so it was like this nice little schoolboy romance." Brooke supplied. There was a long pause after it and the way Ru looked at them, he knew this was when shit hit the fan. The tension in the room was palpable and even Brooke started to wiggle around in her chair._

_"Now, the world is dying to know: Are you two still a couple?" Ru asked and Jose for the life of him couldn't find his voice. He felt Brock's sad eyes on him, but he looked down, focussed on fixing the laces of his shoes on his thighs, while he pressed his tongue against the roof of his mouth and held his breath - a trick he had been taught to keep from crying._

_"No, we are not," Brooke Lynn finally replied with an icy smile, that he heard more than saw, his eyes still downcast._

_"Why not?"_

_"We dated for about four months after the show, uhm, and we tried to make it work. But our schedules were just very different," Brooke went on and Vanjie managed to lift her head back up, nod slightly in agreement. It was true after all. "He was traveling all the time, I wasn't traveling at all, so we never really saw it each other and it was scary for me." His eyes widened a bit about the scary comment, because that was news to him and didn't really fit with the 'I need my freedom speech' he had heard two times by now. What exactly had been scary?_

_"What does being in a relationship mean to you? That means, like you are committed to one another, you can't date other people?" Ru wanted clarification and had either very good instincts about what had been going on or someone who knew the details had ratted them out to him. He didn't like it that it went so much into detail, because it was no one's business, but what was he supposed to do? All he could do was hope that Brooke Lynn had her pageant face on and would be able to answer the question.  
_

_"Well, it wasn't just that, like, I've always… the number one thing that's always been very important to me has always been my freedom. I always wanted to be free and do what I wanna do. So to factor somebody else into my life and plans and just have the feeling like I could never look at somebody else and find them attractive or never like flirt with somebody else was really scary and I kind of started to feel, like, very stifled." Vanjie had heard that part before, but still couldn't help but roll her eyes."And it was very hard, because I really do care for Vanjie a lot and I have a lot of love for him and…" _

_Ru interrupted him, digging for more dirt. "Yeah, because Vanjie, you said that you wanted that Nicholas Sparks 'The Notebook' kind of love."_

_"Yeah, I'm a romantic at heart and when it comes to stuff like that," he agreed, still grasping for pieces of Vanjie to get himself together, but knew he was failing miserably._

_"I love that about you," Brooke said._

_"I'm not…" he stopped when it registered with his what Brooke had just said. "I don't play," he went on and saw that telling twitch around Brooke's mouth. "I wanted the Notebook experience and I was getting a post it." Jose found Vanjie for a moment and saw Brooke laugh, even if it didn't reach her eyes. "And that is no tea. But, you know, it's ok and that's why we're on good terms, because we recognised it early and it is what it is. We had different views." He summed up the situation as truthful as possible without going into too much detail. Silky, who was sitting beside Brooke nodded, while Brock just radiated sadness._

_"What was it like to relive it on television?"_

_"Honestly, that's been really nice." Brooke Lynn was back. "Because it was a very nice moment for me, like it's a great memory to have and like I said, I'll always love him and I really do have love for him and…" he was starting to fidget more and more with his foot and Jose knew he needed to calm him by speaking up._

_ _ _"Well, yeah, I love you too," he told him sadly but with a sympathetic look on his face. It was his way of helping Brock keeping it together for the both of them. He might look and act like the ice queen at times, but Jose knew that underneath all the make up and wigs, he was feeling things very deeply._

_"…and I'm very happy we can still be friends." Brooke Lynn managed to finish._

_"People online were saying that it was just for the cameras." Ru apparently wasn't done yet torturing them._

_"Not at all, no," Brooke shook her head, while Vanjie just raised her eyebrows and fiddled with her earrings, when Nina and others suddenly spoke up and voiced their concerns about how they thought it hadn't been real. While they listened to this bullshit he and Brooke exchanged worried looks, that turned incredulous at one point. Why were they hearing all of these 'concerns' on camera for the first time, while no one had talked to them before off camera? Brooke Lynn took over again when they accused her of attaching herself to Vanjie for personality and fame. Jose knew that he could blame Brock for many things: miscommunication, flirting with others, cheating- if you looked at it that way, but he also knew that what they had had was real. So he nodded in agreement to everything he said._

_"Do you want to get back together?" Rupaul went in for the kill and Jose could only press his lips together to keep the wounded cry inside. He used the same technique as before, held his breathe, pressed his tongue against the roof of his mouth and looked intently at Brock, hoping he would understand that there was no way he was able to answer at the moment. Brooke, however, looked just as sad and swallowed hard. "Do you want to get back together?" Ru repeated in Brooke's direction when he understood that he wouldn't get an answer from Vanjie. _

_"I'm not gonna say never. Like, I still have feelings for you," Brock addressed him directly and Vanjie agreed with a nod and mumbled words. Brock got it and nodded, knowing what he wanted to say. "And I know you still have feelings for me," he translated, "and just as long as we always have love for each other anything is possible in the future." Jose still couldn't speak, so he smoothed strands of the wig out and nodded silently, wondering if that was the truth. Could there really be another chance for them some time in the future? He heard Ru saying something about a dating show and laughed because the others laughed. Brock seemed to do the same, but Jose could see him slowly losing his cool. The laughter was fake, his chin wobbled slightly and when he tried to discreetly wipe the tears from his eyes, he couldn't take it anymore. Jose was out of his chair before he even thought about it, acting on instinct alone._

_"Let me give him a hug," he said to Ru and pecked Brock's lips a second later, before he hugged him tightly. He needed this as much as Brock did and when he felt his leg coming up he knew they were seconds away from clinging to each other on TV. The moment gave him the strength to bring Vanjie back and so when he pulled back he proclaimed loudly "And this ain't fake, motherfuckers. Zoom in and zoom out on this shit!"_

***

The reunion was also the starting point of the tour, all season eleven queens squished together for weeks on end. Vanjie had Silky and A'keria as a support system and Brock had Nina. Yet, it didn't take long until they gravitated towards each other once again. At first it was only at daytime, during meals or on the bus. Talking to each other and joking around came easy to them and before they knew it they were back on instagram live together, sharing headphones while they watched a movie on the laptop or discussed a book they had both read. There was a lot of drama going on around them with fights erupting and shade being thrown, but they just leaned back, kept out of it and enjoyed having time together.

It was different at night. They got ready in different changing rooms, if possible, and after the show they hung out with different groups. Even though they saw themselves as party people, Silky and Vanjie were usually the first ones back in the tourbus or the hotel. Jose's knee was acting up again and dancing his heart out on stage was tiring. Brock didn't seem to have that problem. He was usually the last one in, drunk off his ass. Vanjie got angry when she saw him with trade after the show, another reason to head back to the bus as early as possible, so she wouldn't kick his ass in a fit of jealousy one day.

Anger changed to worry though, when he realised that Brooke Lynn wasn't only high on alcohol and endorphin. He talked to Nina about it, but she just shrugged and assured him that it was just weed. As long as that's what he wanted to do, there was no stopping him with all the stuff basically flying into every dressing room for free. It took two more days and hotel rooms until their nighttime routine of keeping their distance changed.

_"Jose! Jose! Open the door! Jose!" loud, drunken slurring could be heard and someone was banging on his room door like the hotel was on fire, making him bolt up in bed._

_"Brock, stop it! You're waking up the whole hotel," Nina's voice could be heard, even though much quieter. Jose rolled his eyes and made his way to the door._

_"What the fuck?" he asked when he opened the door._

_"There you are! I missed you," Brock slurred with a wide smile on his face and only Nina's arms seemed to keep him fro toppling over. Ivy had apparently not been so lucky and lay on the floor, happily smiling up at him._

_"I'm sorry," Nina told him and seemed resigned and strangely sober. He took a closer look at his ex and what he saw worried him. His pupils were blown so wide his eyes were basically black._

_"What's he on?" he asked Nina worriedly. They exchanged a glance. Drugs of all kinds were sadly very much a stable in the drag community and Jose had lost track of who took what and who was addicted or sober at one time or another. He only just paid attention he wouldn't go down the rabbit hole himself or that his closest friends were._

_"I don't know," he shook his head sadly. "It's been going on for a while. Tonight is the worst. I can't get through to him. I tried…" she trailed off._

_"He telling you the freedom bullshit?" Jose knew and wrapped one arm around Brock's waist, expected it when he sacked against him._

_"Something like that."_

_"Take care of that motherfucker, I take him," he decided and could physically feel Nina's relief. With Brock wrapped around him, he made it back into his room and dumped him on his bed._

_"I like it rough sometimes," the drunken idiot said with a dopey smile and started to take his clothes off. Well, he tried, but wasn't successful._

_"You'll get rough in the morning, believe me, bitch," Vanjie deadpanned and took his shoes off. "This was not our agreement, motherfucker. I ain't no maid and I ain't no ho who wants to tuck your stoned ass into my bed," he relied on Vanjie to get him through it and not just give in and hug the idiot as tight as he could, like Jose wanted to do. "You hear me?"_

_"I miss you so much. All the fucking time," came the broken reply from the bed. Jose took a deep breath and allowed himself a moment to regroup._

_"What kind of shit are you on that gets you into your feels like that?" He sat down on the bed and couldn't help but glide his fingers through the sweaty blonde hair._

_"Snow. Like in winter. Snow everywhere," Brock mumbled._

_"You fucking stupid, twinkle toes," Jose sighed deeply. What a mess._

_"I know. Just wanted to forget."_

_"Try smoking some weed next time. Don't make you as stupid."_

_"Nobody had some," came the whiny reply. Then: "I'm gonna be sick." Jose had just enough time to roll him onto his side and grab the trashcan before he started throwing up._

_"Virgen of Guadalupe, give me strength," he prayed silently, eyes directed heaven-ward and held Brock's hand a bit tighter._

_It was a night from hell and between Brock crying, throwing up and becoming aggressive - as aggressive as you could get when you were stupidly drunk as well as high as a kite - Jose didn't sleep a wink. He brought breakfast and lots of coffee to the room the next morning, had a quick chat with Nina about the situation in between, and then woke up his hung over ex. After getting him fed and caffeinated, he grabbed some clothes for him from his room and pushed him under the shower, all without so much as a single word from the culprit._

_"I'm so sorry," he spoke when he came out of the shower._

_"You should be."_

_"I never meant to wake you up and crash in your room and make you look after me. It won't happen again," Brock promise._

_"You right it won't, because I'll bust your white ass if I catch you snorting coke one more time!" he yelled, his voice reaching a decibel level that was probably illegal in most states and certainly not helpful for the headache the hung over fool most likely had._

_"I didn't…" Brock started, but stopped when he saw Jose's look._

_"Don't you dare lie to me, bitch! I didn't know you was that stupid! You can drink until you pass out, you can smoke weed until you sound like Pearl, but don't you dare throwing everything away you hustled for, because you suddenly into snorting powder up your nose. Haven't you seen what it does to the others? How many more of us drag hos need to end up in rehab or the grave? Do you really think I'm gonna stand back and watch you do that to yourself?" He was still yelling, but less aggressive and more sad. Tears were already dripping from his eyelids onto his cheeks. "We may be broken up, but I still care, I still love you and I am not gonna lose you to this shit. You listening?"_

_"Yes, mama," Brock replied quietly and was crying as well._

_"Promise me you stop doing this shit! I even get you into one of these fancy rehab houses where you can learn pottery and dance your name, if that's what it takes," he kept on ranting and stopped when he heard Brock chuckle._

_"It's the first time I tried the hard stuff and I promise it's the last," he sniffed and wiped the tears off his cheeks. For a while they just sat there on the bed, both wiping tears away and sniffing from time to time._

_"What can I do?" Jose asked gently after a while. "You want me to go? Last night you said you miss me all the time. I can't… I don't know how to change that. I wanna be your friend, but..." he shrugged._

_"No, just… can I hang out with you and Silky after show? I wanna be your friend. I can't lose you as my friend," Brock rambled._

_"Ok," Jose agreed. "Just… don't bring trade around. I can't take it. Not yet," he added softly and showed Brock that he was still very vulnerable, even when they were trying to be just friends._

_"Thank you. I love you." Brock seemed relived and hugged him tightly. Jose hugged him back, but wondered when this emotional rollercoaster would finally slow, because he didn't know how much longer he would be able to take it._

***

He should have learned by now to control his facial expressions. He was an actor after all, well kind of. Being a drag queen meant playing a role for a living, even if there was no script and the lines between him and his creation were blurry at the best of times. A couple of weeks after the last tour stop he was at drag con. It was also nearly a year after the break-up.

He hadn't seen Brock since the tour ended. The only communication some likes and comments on social media. Brooke Lynn seemed well, the slip up during the tour forgotten and the drunken nights out in foreign towns a film playing over and over in his mind. The Branjie funeralthey had come up with, documented forever all over the internet.

He himself had been doing good. Better. The wound seemed to slowly heal and sometimes he was able to think about dating again, about love and romance and the Notebook experience.

Yet, then another interviewer asked him the dreaded question. Everything was back. Once again the Vanjie mask slipped for a moment and Jose came through the cracks, his broken heart visible for everyone who looked closely enough.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had been very emotional when he was younger and the displayed vulnerability caused him a lot of pain. Thus, he had learned to be less and less emotional until he had perfected his ice queen act, that he had then given the name 'Brooke Lynn'.  
She was perfection and he accepted nothing less for her. Perfection meant: don't let them see what you feel. And no one had been able to see through his act or crack his shell. Until one loud mouthed Puerto Rican pranced into his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we go with chapter 2.
> 
> Hope you like it.

He had been very emotional when he was younger and the displayed vulnerability caused him a lot of pain. Thus, he had learned to be less and less emotional until he had perfected his ice queen act, that he had then given the name 'Brooke Lynn'.  
She was perfection and he accepted nothing less for her. Perfection meant: don't let them see what you feel. And no one had been able to see through his act or crack his shell. Until one loud mouthed Puerto Rican pranced into his life.

Brooke Lynn made him more and more successful, more known as ballet ever had and he was happy, in a way. Emotions like hurt and loneliness pushed so far down that most days even he couldn't feel them anymore. And when they broke free they manifested themselves in anxiety attacks so strong they made him nauseous and took his breath away. So it was better to keep pushing them down.

He had been in that space of mind when he lay down one afternoon, looking desperately for something to distract him from the tailspin his mind was on, and decided to watch the latest episode of Drag Race that he had recorded the night before.  
He didn't notice that his attention was drawn to a queen named Vanjie until she made her legendary exit and he felt inexplicably sad to see her go. While watching, he scared his cats away by laughing so hard about the interview sections of Vanjie and the voice overs. This was comedy gold and endearing at the same time. He went on instagram and looked her up, shot her a quick message how much he had enjoyed seeing her on the show and how sad he was to see her get eliminated. Once he sent the message he realised that the internet had exploded by now with memes and hashtags including Vanjie. The madness erupted even more over the next weeks and it became clear very quickly that while Vanjie had been eliminated first, she would still go down in drag race history and not on the losing side. Knowing this, he was very surprised when he got a reply back a couple of days later with a 'thank you' and received a follow back on instagram.

Once they got together and the show was done filming Brock was often surprised how many different sides his boyfriend had and how he could switch from ghetto Vanjie to soft spoken Jose in a second. His thoughtfulness, caring nature, sly humour and the need for gentle physical attention sometimes hard to match with Vanjie's crude remarks.

_"Sooo, bitches I have to go now. This hoe is ready to take these shoes off. Mic drop," Vanjie screamed into the camera of his phone in his typical energetic, over the top voice and then stopped his instagram live story. They were both staying in a standard hotel room in New York, Vanjie in front of the camera, Brock sitting on the bed, so he was out of view. Their season hadn't started airing yet and they had to keep this between them. "God, I am so tired," Jose was back and his voice was a lot quieter, softer and sounded as tired as his words said he was. He had already taken the make up and the costume off at the venue, but still wore the high heeled latex boots._

_"Come here, papi," Brock told him and held his hands out. Jose laced his fingers through his and sat down on his lap, cuddling into him. "Want me to get you out of these shoes?"_

_"Mmh," was the only sound he made as he tucked his head underneath Brock's chin, cheek resting against his chest, and lifted his legs up straight. It was a bit cumbersome to unzip the over-knees in this position, but Brock managed and let them drop on the floor beside the bed._

_"Want me to get you out of these clothes as well?" he asked with a small smile and wrapped his arms back around his boyfriend._

_"Sorry, boo, but I am too tired to do the nasty. And I need a shower," Jose sighed and placed a kiss on his chest._

_"How about I get you out of these clothes and run you a bath? You're all tense," he gave his shoulders a squeeze. "And if you apply the ice pack after, the hot/cold treatment could help with the pain in your knee," he suggested, knowing that Jose had been in pain for a couple of days, even though he always danced with the bandage on._

_"Sounds good. Thank you." Jose basically melted against him, looked up at him and puckered his lips. The kiss was slow and unhurried, more to soothe than to arouse and Brock felt a strange fluttering in his chest. He wasn't used to these kinds of kisses, because he wasn't used to kissing someone for a reason other than sexual arousal. This was his first attempt at a relationship and not all the one night stands in the world could have prepared him for what he was feeling._

_"Come on," he said once they broke the kiss and slowly got up, so he could put down Jose, without making him step into the high heels of his boots on the ground._

_Once they both lay in the tub, Jose between Brock's legs, both just dozing in the warm water in silence, he started thinking again. In just two days he would fly back to Nashville, while Jose would be dancing in a different venue each night. He had photo shoots and interviews scheduled, costume fittings and new dance routines to learn. There would be no time for them, just lying like this for the next… at least three weeks. They could FaceTime and they could call, but they wouldn't be able to be together. Miss Vanjie was conquering the world and once the new season aired, he would be thrown in the same whirlwind. He would be offered opportunities he never had before, but taking them would mean being away from Jose. As long as they were together, it would always come down to sacrificing either his own career or making Jose sacrifice his. How was that fair to either of them? They had known that it would be hard seeing each other after the shooting ended, but they hadn't even scratched the surface of what would happen once the season aired._

_"Brock, you're ok?" Jose turned around and he knew he must have felt the change in his breathing. He felt slightly dizzy, his breaths coming too fast and the nausea started bubbling up. He closed his eyes and tried to slow down, stop thinking, stop worrying, but he just couldn't. And then Jose pressed his lips to his in a soft peck, once twice, three times before he hugged him and ran his fingers through his hair. The effect was instantaneous and he was able to calm down. "Baby, what's wrong? You freaked me out here for a sec."_

_"Nothing," he replied automatically, yet stopped when he saw Jose's knowing look. When had he learned to read him like this? "I was just thinking that seeing each other will be even harder once the season starts airing. And with the contracts and all, we can't really confirm anything."_   
_"We'll be fine. Like I said, it will work if we wanna make it work," Jose stopped his attempt at protesting by placing his hand over his mouth. "I'm not saying it will be easy and I'm not saying it won't suck at times, but I love you, toes. I'm not gonna give up before the fun even started. Just think of all the secretive messages we can post to drive the fans crazy. We gonna be regular James Bonds, all secretive and shit." Brock chuckled und Jose took his hand off his mouth. "We will slay this bullshit and then come the reunion, we can stick it to them hos."_

_"That's eight months away."_

_"So what? I've love you for three months already. I'm gonna love you then too," Jose said louder and with a carefree shrug of his shoulders._

_"I love you, too," Brock replied with a smile._

_"You better," Jose smiled widely and kissed him a second later. He didn't seem that tired anymore all of a sudden_.

***

The love was not the problem, at least not when they were together. However, the feeling of missing him so much it hurt, a feeling that consumed him and drove him crazy, became unbearable. So, he boxed up his love for Jose, put it away somewhere deep inside while they were apart and lived his life like he was still as alone and as free as before.  
Of course, it caused trouble, because he never factored Jose into his decisions, if Jose wasn't with him. And he basically never was. What they had were stolen hours in hotels and backstage areas. A day or two hidden away in his apartment, with the vague idea of a future when things might get better at some point. Yet, while Jose was convinced that it would be better and they would be happy, the more alone Brock felt and was, the more he lost his faith in this vision.

Brock was so good at compartmentalising his life and feelings, that he never even considered it cheating when he flirted with other men or made out with them. It meant nothing, if he got off with someone's mouth or hand around his dick, as long as it wasn't his boyfriend. These two things were so different, that it never crossed his mind what he was doing or how Jose would see it. He really hadn't meant to hurt him, he didn't even think of him. He simply wasn't able to stop and consider the one person who meant the world to him, because that would open the box of feelings and all the doubts about a future together and the pain of missing him would surely choke him to death.

The box system worked for a while. Until Jose came home a day early and he had to admit that he had spent the night with someone else. Even admitting that, he hadn't really felt anything other than embarrassment for having this weird conversation.

When Jose spoke the words that he couldn't do this, that they were done and followed the words with actions when he left, that's when the lid popped off the box and the emotions spilled over inside of Brock. He had a panic attack so strong he passed out on his living room floor. Once he woke up, he threw up for the rest of the night.

He yearned to open up to Jose the next day and tell him what he was feeling. But what good what it do, when there was no solution? It wasn't in their hands to change anything. Jose was traveling, he was stuck home and for the foreseeable future they weren't allowed to even talk about being together. So where was the point? It would only prolong the inevitable and most likely hurt Jose even more when they would break up a couple of months later.  
So, he kept his mouth shut during the talk with Jose the next day and only begged for his friendship, while he was aching to beg for him to take him back and make it all better.

***

He was surprised to get a call from his manager shortly before the season started airing with a request from Jose to meet him. It hurt that he hadn't just called him or texted him himself. But once he agreed and was told the location he understood that this would be all business.  
He agreed to everything they suggested, but didn't really think it through that much. Professionalism was his middle name but all he wanted to do was to talk to Jose, privately, about them and not listen to his manager rattling off ideas for social media and statements that they could use. Meanwhile Jose was looking out the window or studying his nails. Brock could see that he had started biting them again.  
When he finally managed to talk to him it was brief, but once they hugged Brock felt himself calm down for the first time in months. It was like coming home to where you know you were save. It didn't last long though, because Jose pulled away and he was alone once again, with even more emotions to stuff in the damn box.

While the social media side was hard, nothing had prepared him for how hard doing interviews was, when you were not allowed to say anything and also the topic of interest was one to send you right into another anxiety attack. He found out during that time that weed calmed him down as long as he didn't mix it with alcohol. He used that to his advantage and Brooke Lynn became even more composed and icy than before.  
Mixing it with alcohol however was a disaster and he owed it to Nina alone that his first viewing party at Roscoe's didn't end in an epic contractional mess.

***

_"I have to say I didn't care for Silky's costume but it was very tasty," Brooke teased Silky._

_"You told me to put half the shit on this, shady Brooke," Silky fired back, always up for getting in a dig at him since he and Vanjie had split._

_"I know, because weren't supposed to have any scratch fabric showing on our garments, so I was trying to help you out." Brooke won the round, but she didn't feel better. "I'm gonna get drunk tonight," she decided out loud, like it hadn't been her plan from the start. Funny enough the talk turned to weed for a moment and to his smoking and crying on the show. He could feel Silky's eyes boring into him when he said that Nina had been his emotional support during filming. It was true, but the most emotional support he had got from the person he could not name._

_"Well, that's fun," he commented dryly after watching the next segment, because he just knew that the questioning would start any moment now. As if seeing his ex on screen wasn't hard enough. In a way he enjoyed it, because seeing him and seeing them together meant having him in his life again and bringing all the good memories. At the same time it just fucking hurt._

_"Brooke Lynn I love you," Nina imitated Vanjie poorly when they talked about the fact that Nina should have done Vanjie during the snatch game. And it didn't even matter that she used that sentence, because Jose never sounded like Vanjie when he said these words. "I know but this boat is sinking, so I'm jumping on the next train," Nina went on with the Vanjie nonsense._

_"My favorite thing hearing Vanjie do is edit her runways. 'I'm stomping down the runway and I'm a Victoria's Secret model'," Brooke added, because it never failed to make him laugh. And talking about Vanjie his way, also meant that he didn't have to talk about him and Jose. That's a trick he learned during the recent interviews and he had used it more than once._

_"And I look sick'ning." Nina added her two cents again and together they narrated a Vanjie runway._

_"And she looks good and she's this beautiful woman and she's like *bark*" he finished._

_"So speaking of your boyfriend," the host started._

_"Like Oscar the Grouch," Nina added in a slight attempt to stop the train wreck that would surely follow. Brooke just laughed though, because the alcohol was helping her at the moment with being silly, the weed kept the sad feelings in the box and the anxiety at bay, and yet she wasn't so far gone yet that she completely lost control. Better address this now than later in the evening._

_"How are you and Vanjie?" came the question. While he managed to keep his cool he noticed that Silky flinched._

_"We're wonder…" Brooke Lynn stopped herself. She wouldn't lie and she also wouldn't confirm or deny anything. She was not allowed to. How she wished she was allowed to lie. "She's wonderful," she finally corrected herself. "Things are wonderful". If wonderful meant fake flirting with each other online, while not really talking to each other and keeping in touch via management so the stories lined up, then yes, everything was wonderful._

_"When did you all get a whiff of what was going on?" the host thankfully turned to the others._

_"I knew it first," Nina replied truthfully._

_"You were the first one to sniff it out."_

  
_"Well, actually, yeah, I knew."_

_"Yeah, because Nina likes to watch. She's a voyeur." Brooke started talking complete shit to distract them. "Every night in the van her head would constantly go," Brooke turned her head around, while Silky started making sucking noises into the microphone._

_"Well, you would hear the shit you did in the back of the van," Nina replied._

_"Me and Vanjie always sat in the back of the van together. It was very High school." Brooke clarified._

_"And I was just like 'your heads better be above the seats, bitch'," Silky commented. "Let me tell you what happened," she went on, taking the opportunity and Brooke was glad about it. The more stupid shit Silky talked, the less she had to say. "When Vanjie told me that this was going on, she said 'I got a crush on Brooke Lynn'. I went to room 712, that was you room," she pointed at Brooke Lynn._

_"Oh, was that my room?" she replied and really couldn't remember at the moment._

_"Or was ist 1712?" Silky now questioned herself._

_"Oh, were we that high up?" Brooke Lynn wondered and caused a short discussion about the room numbers and rooms._

_Silky went back on topic though. "I went to Brooke Lynn and I said: 'Brooke Lynn, my sister said, could you make her pussy fart?' I went just like that and then, the next day you know what I went and did?" she asked the audience. "Oh, you don't know this," she turned to Brooke then._

_"No, what did you do?" Brooke decided to play along with this completely fabricated bullshit. It was better than talking about the truth._

_"Girl, I had the PAs go to Walmart."_

_"And you got a douche," Brooke supplied, because this had been a joke Silky had constantly made when they had still been together._

_"And then I gave it to Vanjie and I said: 'Bitch, I set it up. Finish the deal," Silky finished and Brooke wasn't really sure what to say. Somehow this story didn't sit right with her._

_"I remember Brooke came up to me, we were getting into a van and…" Nina now intervened, apparently catching Brooke's disapproving look that just let too much of drunk Brock show on her face._

_"That's a real story," Brooke pointed out. Their attraction and love for each other had been real and pure, and in a way and Silky's strange fabrication made it sound dirty. They hadn't even had sex until filming was done, so putting it on that level was just uncomfortable._

_"… and Brooke goes 'I think I have a crush on Jose' and I think I went 'Who's Jose'?" Nina finished the real story and made them all laugh."She goes 'Vanjie' and I was like 'What?' and you went 'Yeah, and I think he likes me' and I was like 'god, this is so fucking awesome'."_

_Brooke remembered the talk. And she remembered the feeling. "Oh, I didn't go there with any intentions. I thought… I didn't think of Vanjie that way," he insisted when the audience laughed because of Silky's story and the way she was reacting. She didn't want to make this just about sex. The relationship had been important to her, was still important to her and she wouldn't let it be viewed as her trying to look for a bit of fun. Jose had been different and she hoped that he knew that. "She came on to me first is what I'm trying to say." The break was over and it was back to watching._

_Two breaks later she was finally drunk enough not to care anymore. She dropped the microphone by accident, went through her handbag while Silky was throwing some shade about whatever and only listened when Nina spoke or when she caught something she could throw shade on, because she was over it. When they moved on to questions she mostly focussed on her phone or talked to Nina while Silky went on looooong monologues. She didn't say anything for so long that the tech guy even shut off her microphone. However, at the end she managed to get one last dig in at Silky and her make up._

_"Girl, don't forget Vanjie is my best friend," the other queen pointed out, but Brooke wasn't really sure where she was going with this argument. It was completely pointless._

_"And I've been inside of her, sooo," she trailed off, but most people didn't catch her comment between Silky's continued babbling. As Vanjie would say, 'it is what it is' and Brooke was just glad when she could go back to drinking off stage, until Steve would drive her drunk ass back to the hotel and she could stack them walls back up high because the next interview was the day after tomorrow and the next viewing party just two weeks away._

***

After talking to both Steve and Nina, Brock decided that he should try and stop drinking. It had got too much and he had too many near misses in his interviews and fan meetings. Also, he was working more than ever and while it might be cute to do a gig or two drunk and high, it was not cute when doing two gigs a day, an interview, a fitting and organising drag con while being completely hung over and nauseous. So, the next viewing party, it was just water for him, which was a very strange experience. But Nina wasn't there this time to save his ass when he messed up.

_"Why did Vanjie not pick you?" was the first question that hit him concerning his ex right after the first segment ended. It was about the show though and not about the current state of their relationship so it was easy to let Brooke Lynn take care of it._

_"We never… I was… we were fucking around," she stumbled over her words a bit, a sure sign that Vanjie was somewhere in the equation as a topic, because usually he wasn't stuttering like an idiot. "So I didn't want that interfering with the competition . I was there to compete, I wasn't there to pick the person I was making out with in the van on my team. And she was the same, that is no shade. We were both very clear that we were there to compete and what we had going on was separate from the competition. So, I think that's why we never picked each other to really keep it separate."_

_It should have been all on the topic, because she felt like she was repeating herself over and over with the same stories and same answers, but of course the host couldn't let it go._

_"So, uhm, how are things with you and your boyfriend?"_

_"Great, how are things with you and your boyfriend?" he asked back this time, using a high pitched voice that made the audience laugh._

_"How is Vanjie is that still going on?" his attempt of putting an end to it was ignored._

_"She is good. I think she is in Europe somewhere, or was in Europe. Uhm, I'm gonna see him in a couple of weeks," he stumbled again, thinking about the reunion. What the fuck was he doing? He was fucking up this interview and he wasn't even drunk. Everyone, who knew a bit about Jose would know that there was no way in hell he wouldn't know where exactly Jose was and what he was doing, if they were still together. Damage control was needed. "Things are good. How are things with you and your boyfriend Naysha?" he tried the strategy again but on another queen._

_"Good," came the reply with laughter._

_"So, no one else wants to talk about their relationships either," he made his point and was finally able to shut it down. One more situation saved._

***

If he thought he was struggling before, it was nothing compared to the reunion. Having RuPaul asking question after question while Jose was sitting across from him, wounds open for all to see, was killing him. He tried to take the brunt of it, it had been his fault after all, but there were moments when he wanted to just walk off set and hide somewhere to have a good cry and a cigarette or ten. During the breaks he hurried outside to smoke greedily, but it wasn't helping. He had never been in a relationship before, but was it really supposed to still hurt like this nearly eight months after the breakup? Nina stayed by his side without saying much, but at least she kept the others from approaching him. The only thing grounding him was Vanjie's hug, but that lasted only for a second, and then it was back to free falling.

He hit rock bottom during the tour after trying coke for the first time when nothing else had been available and then mixing it with alcohol. In hindsight, he wondered what would have happened when he hadn't ended up drunkenly banging on Jose's door that night and when he hadn't taken care of him the way he did and then spit him out the next morning. Would he have done it again? Spiralled even more out of control in a never ending circle of anxiety, alcohol, pain, desperation, drugs, depression and sleeplessness? Maybe. Probably.  
However, after that night Jose barely left him out of his sight during the tour, always making sure he was staying away from anything other than alcohol, and even then he didn't let him get wasted too often. Strange thing was, that the more he was around him, the less he needed to escape reality.

That wish only came back after the tour was over and they went their separate ways again, only meeting when they were booked somewhere together or saw each other at happenings like the drag con. While they were talking or joking around he was fine, but afterwards it was back to missing him.

***

When he went on the internet a year after the breakup, he got the notification that there was a new interview with Vanjie out and in a moment of weakness he clicked play. Vanjie was being Vanjie and Brock laughed about the complete fuckery that was this interview. Then the question came, the question about them. And sitting on his sofa watching the interview, he saw Jose hurting and trying to hide behind the Vanjie persona, as he replied with the usual answer that they were still friends and were good.

Brock had been very emotional when he was younger and the displayed vulnerability caused him a lot of pain. Thus, he had learned to be less and less emotional until he had perfected his ice queen act, that he had then given the name 'Brooke Lynn'.  
She was perfection and he accepted nothing less for her. Perfection meant: don't let them see what you feel. And no one had been able to see through his act or crack his shell. Until one loud mouthed Puerto Rican pranced into his life and was breaking his heart by apparently still loving him as much as he did love him back. A year later it didn't hurt any less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Epilogue?


	3. Epilogue

_Jose had learned by now to control his facial expressions. He was an actor after all, well kind of. Being a drag queen meant playing a role for a living, even if there was no script and the lines between him and his creation were blurry at the best of times._

_However, he knew he got it this time as he walked into the work room for the third time in his career. It got eerily silent after he said his catch phrase, so quiet you could literally hear a pin drop. He was the last one to arrive and when he turned towards the table and saw the other queens, he knew why they were staring: Brooke Lynn was already standing there, looking at him with her baby blues._

_Brock had been very emotional when he was younger and the displayed vulnerability caused him a lot of pain. Thus, he had learned to be less and less emotional until he had perfected his ice queen act, that he had then given the name 'Brooke Lynn'. And yet it was all for naught when he saw Vanjie prancing into the workroom of All Stars. The other queens watched them like a tennis match, back and forth, back and forth until Vanjie walked over to the table, greeted them one after the other, like there was nothing wrong at all and finally came to a stop in front of him._

_"Hey there, Brooke Lynn," he said cheekily. "Your Canadian bacon's back as well, huh?"_

_"Oh come here, you idiot," Brooke couldn't keep herself from laughing and hugged Vanjie tightly, which was reciprocated._

_"Oh my god! Branjie back in da house!" one of the other queens yelled and then all hell broke loose around them, so many questions and comments about how they couldn't believe they were brought back together and how they would watch them closely._

_"So, you're not enemies or anything? No bad blood and drama?" they were asked once it was quiet enough so they could actually answer some of the questions._

_"No, it's been two years since the reunion and we've worked together since. Quite a lot actually since I moved to L.A. over a year ago," Brooke shrugged._

_"And you know, I'm a kept man, or kept lady, whatever," Vanjie supplied and leaned her forearms against the table top. _

_"How will your boyfriend react when he sees you together on the show again?"_

_"He cool with Brooke Lynn. And why not? Like Brooke said, we work together sometimes and it's fun."_

_"Actually, I think it's great to have you here. We've always been very good friends no matter what. So, you know, that's nice to have during All Stars," Brooke told Vanjie, who nodded with a wide smile._

_"No drama from these two hos, sorry y'all," Vanjie turned towards the cameras with a sassy look and a finger snap which made everyone laugh._

***

Unlike the last time, they picked each other in challenges this time and got ready next to each other.For the filming of the first couple of episodes the cameras were constantly on them, shoved in their faces, waiting for one of them to say something that could be used and interpreted during the edits. Yet, there wasn't anything. All that was picked up on, was the fact that when they got into drag and did their make-up, they understood each other without words. A glance was enough and Vanjie handed Brooke a brush, knowing she couldn't find her own in the chaos that was spread out on her make-up table. With just a look Brooke was out of her chair and made sure Vanjie's wig was correctly glued down and wouldn't come off when she danced around stage. They leaned on each other when they put their shoes on, zipped each other up and wished each other good luck for every runway.

During the challenges they balanced each other out, helped each other get ready and stayed clear of the drama and bitchiness that sometimes erupted around them. They had each other's backs, acted completely normal and friendly during lunch breaks and on the drives back to the hotel.

Even RuPaul seemed to get bored with the topic of them after a while, because there simply was no dirt to dig up. He usually tried needling Vanjie, because she was the most likely to crack first and spill some tea. And Vanjie spouted her usual nonsense and dumb shit, but when it came to Vanjie and Brooke Lynn, there seemed to be nothing to tell.

***

_"And the third finalist is: Vanessa Vanjie Mateo," RuPaul announced and Vanjie felt her heart jump with joy._

_"Yes!" Brooke Lynn exclaimed from behind her and made her laugh. But professionalism won out and she first hugged the poor doll that had narrowly missed the entrance into the final. She knew the feeling only too well._

_Brooke was the first one to reach the work room after the last elimination, her shoes already kicked off. Vanjie was just a couple of steps behind her, but it felt like an eternity before they both stood in the middle of the work room, the other finalist and the camera team and crew all around them._

_When he turned around, the make up and clothes were all Brooke Lynn, but the look in his eyes and facial expression was all Brock. He was so proud he had tears in his eyes._

_"We made it. _ ** _You _ ** _made it," he pressed out as the first tear rolled down his face and the icy Brooke Lynn mask fell, and shattered on the floor. The ice queen was no more._

_"We fucking did," Jose agreed quietly. Their eyes met and a second later Jose was running towards Brock and jumped in his arms. He wrapped his legs around his waist and his arms around his neck. Before he knew what was happening Brock kissed him, right there in front of the cameras. The chin of their competitor hitting the floor, eyes comically wide, complete look of disbelieve was later edited right into the scene of them kissing on national TV and became the next meme going viral._

_When they broke apart, they both just laughed, wiped the tears away and then went to de-drag like nothing had happened._

_"You two are not gonna pretend you didn't just suck faces and hope it will get cut in the edit, right? Because I can assure you it won't. You better call your boyfriend as soon as you can, Miss Thing and tell him whatcha did," Vanjie was told once the third drag queen found her voice again._

_"Don't worry, babe, won't be a problem" Vanjie waved it off and kept wiping the make-up off his face._

_"You sure? After all the stuff you said about him I thought you were solid and like, really exclusive."_

_"Hey Brock!" Jose yelled in true Vanjie fashion, because he was over by the racks putting his costume away._

_"Mmh?" his head came out between dresses and fabric._

_"I was just told by this worried bitch, that I should make sure my boyfriend doesn't have a problem with me making out with Miss Brooke Lynn."_

_"I don't mind. Make out with her all you like," Brock shrugged unimpressed and with a cheeky smile. It took a second until the others understood the subtext and then the room erupted, because even the crew couldn't keep themselves from cheering._

***

_"So, it has been brought to my attention that you two are back together. Is that a recent development?" RuPaul asked them in the final interview, which he conveniently did with both of them at the same time and with Michelle in attendance as well._

_"You mean did we get back together here on All Stars?" Brooke asked. "No."_

_"We've been back together for over a year now and we've lived together for nearly as long. And when we were both individually contacted about All Stars, we discussed it and then decided to accept, both of us, because we thought it would be fun, you know," Jose explained a bit more in detail._

_"And before you ask," RuPaul addressed the cameras and therefor the fans, "we had no idea they were back together."_

_"Throwing the two of us back in the pressure cooker that is All Stars as exes could have made for a good story and some drama, I give you that. But you just didn't have all the intel," Brock commented smugly and suspected that the comment would be later cut in edits._

_"How did you two manage to keep this a secret?" Michelle asked and seemed genuinely happy and excited about the development._

_"Lots of NDAs," Jose joked and made everyone laugh. The two love birds exchanged a look, then Brock spoke up again._

_"When we first got back together we just needed to figure this out on our own, no pressure from the outside. The love for each other has never been our problem, but the rest of it had just been too much. We talked a lot and, you know, worked through our issues and it helped us to keep it away from social media and the fans. Make it just ours for a while."_

_"Last time it seemed like you didn't want a committed relationship, Brooke Lynn. At the reunion you talked about losing your freedom," Ru started digging again._

_"It wasn't that I didn't want to commit. Everything was good when we were together on our own terms, but we barely saw each other and some of my fears came to the surface, which made me fall back into old patterns. Freedom to do whatever I wanted with whomever I wanted, had always been good and so when I was miserable and alone and also contractionally bound to not confirm or deny anything, I though that it would make me feel better. I didn't even let myself consider what it would do to Jose, or how I would feel once he kicked my ass to the curb." Brock sought out Jose's hand with his and laced their fingers together before he continued. "I guess what it came down to was: when the freedom you thought you wanted, doesn't make you happy anymore, it gets you thinking about what does make you happy. And being with him does. I was lucky that he gave me another chance."_

_"And I had to do some fine-tuning as well. I can be a bit much at times with wanting to know what he do every second of every day. And going live all the time and posting all the pictures of us and shit, it gets people involved in things." Serious Jose took over for now. "And then everyone has opinions. Vanjie says all this funny and crazy shit, but, you know, even Jose needs a break from Vanjie sometimes and wants to just relax with his boo, without two million people on instagram or twitter bitching about it and writing shit. It ain't cool. He dumb sometimes, I'm dumb sometimes, but I learned, he learned and we good now."_

_"So really no one knew?" Michelle still couldn't believe it._

_"Of course some people knew. Our families…"_

_"Of course," Jose nodded._

_"Our management, the team around us."_

_"Who all had to sign NDAs," Vanjie grinned._

_"And our friends, some from the drag world, some not. Like, Nina knows and Silky. Detox, Bianca… and you know, people we work with a lot. You can't keep this from someone you work with four times a week."_

_"Also had to sign NDAs."_

_Brock laughed. "Sadly, that part is true. We're all lawyered up now. After a couple of months a paparazzi caught us while out shopping on a vacation in Europe and tried to sell the pictures. Our team took care of it and the pictures were never released."_

_"So, what made you change your mind now about going public? And if you wanted to have the reveal on the show, why not do it on the first episode and get all the screen time?" Ru asked and it wasn't clear, if he was angry or just puzzled._

_"We didn't wanna be public, Mama Ru! This one fucked up, that's the tea," Vanjie laughed and slapped Brock's upper arm lightly._

_"I did, didn't I?" he hid his face behind his hands for a moment, laughing._

_"Before, at home, we're all like: be cool, just be friends, be supportive, no one needs to know, it worked for so long and yada yada. Then, we both get to the finale and I walk into the work room after and this bitch is standing there, all puppy eyes and teary, which you usually never get to see when he has his Brooke Lynn superhero cape on. I just knew we were fucked. And then he kisses me, tongue and all. I mean, there were cameras left, right, front, center, up and down and diagonally. He couldn't keep it together." Another light punch in the arm followed._

_"I was just so proud and happy, because I knew how much it meant to you to finally make it to the finale," Brock defended himself, a bit embarrassed._

_"That's my mans: The wimpy kid," Jose cracked them all up again._

_"So, Vanjie, last time you said, you only got a post it. Do you get the Notebook experience this time?" Brock looked expectantly at him after Ru's question._

_"Bitch, this time I get the whole encyclopaedia, mama," Jose deadpanned and then leaned over to kiss his man softly. "See, Miss Vanessa Vanjie Mateo knows all the big-ass words now, bitches!" Brock just kissed him again to shut him up, large smiles on both their faces._

**The end**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it.


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